Our perspective on our own journey means a lot more than I ever expected. I would have considered myself as having a pretty low tragedy life up until this point. My parents are alive and very much kicking. I was never abused as a kid. I got the occasional, well deserved spanking but nothing outrageous. I am thankful that I had a mother who knew herself and her limits very well as a disciplinarian. I would have considered myself to have a fairly sheltered life.
Now, I am human and have definitely hit some bumps along the way. When I was in my early 20’s I was involved in a car accident were my girlfriend passed away. I have been through a divorce and some custody issues. My divorce was caused in large part to my partner having addiction issues. After the second time they went into rehab I did not see our marriage being sustainable if I expected our 2 kids to ever experience a safe and stable home. I do not look down on her or people with addiction issues but when kids are involved, sometimes tough decisions needs to be made.
During these trying times I remember the occasional break down or having a good cry. I always thought I had cried an “appropriate” amount, whatever that means. I remember when my girlfriend passed away, I had to be driven to the funeral home to see her since I was still in the hospital at the time of her service. I cried so hard, I loved her and knew life would never be the same. Looking back on those feelings and that process, did I really go through the grieving process or did I just stop and move in because it was too hard? I guess it is hard to really answer that. I thought I had processed it at the time but these days I wonder. I wonder because I received some really tough news this week and I took it a lot harder than I expected to.
My ex-mother-in-law reached out to me to let me know she had decided to stop her dialysis treatments and move on with her end of life planning. It makes me want to cry just thinking about her struggles and how she arrived at that decision. It makes me cry to think about how bad she has felt for 4 months to arrive at that decision. She has been a terrific wife, mother, grandmother, mentor and life coach ever since I met her. She has always been stern and short with people, but she always delivered it with a “It’s just how I am, nothing to do with you” approach that I found comforting. She hated crowds and small talk, she was all about the task at hand. Whether it was gardening, hiking, bicycling, or whatever else she decided to do that day, she was gung-ho to do, do it right and get it done. I always admired her enthusiasm for things that, lets be honest, I hated doing.
When she called me to deliver the news, she had a couple of requests as well. Please let the sons know what is going on with her condition. The other request was to bring them over the next day to see her before she got any sicker. She wanted them to remember her as being up and around and able to talk rather than on her “death bed”. I’ve never had to deal with death much in my 46 years. We lost my grandmother when I was 13 and my girlfriend at 24, so it had been a while since I suffered a real loss like this.
I guess my expectation was to be sad, calm down, tell my boys and figure out how I would move forward. I think in my head that’s how it has always been. This time was different though. I think it might have had something to do with my kids being involved. Telling them what was going on was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. That was part of it at least. Her courage and bravery to make that decision was another part of it. Deciding that you want a certain quality of life is a brave thing to do. I think the fear of death would have made other folks decide to “settle” for the poor quality of life. I get it. I know that’s what I would do. I would absolutely just keep going with it until I got a transplant, if that was even a possibility. I just have a lot of respect for her decision and her grace in the face of adversity.
My expectation was to handle it and get over it. I feel that is how I normally handle these type of situations. This time I had a very different experience. I was “ok” after we visited. That evening I was depressed but I was proud that we took the kids over and got to have some quality visiting time. The next morning was a different. I woke up and my anxiety was on high alert. I felt like I hated my job and was just overall upset. I felt an anger and an anxiety I had ever experienced. I took the morning to calm myself down and get ready for the work day. I got my workspace and laptop ready for work. 8 AM came and I was beginning my normal day – checking email, looking for outages, etc…
The beginning of the day and I started to cry. I know now, I was processing the grief of losing someone I look up to. I was upset that a mother figure in my life was going to pass away soon. I was devastated. I could hardly breath and I could not stop crying. I reached out to the employee assistance line provided by my employer, I thought I was losing my mind. I feel for the young lady I spoke to I do not believe she was prepared to speak to someone as upset as I was in that condition. She tried but I was inconsolable. My wife had just left for work. I texted her and let her know I was scared and was not sure what was going on. I had the presence of mind to reach out to my boss and let them know what was going on. (I’m dedicated if I am nothing else.)
Once I was able to catch my breath and calm down after about 20 minutes, I reached out to my therapist looking for an ASAP appointment. She has been an amazing resource and friend, I’m lucky to have found her and glad that she was able to work me in that afternoon. That entire day was spent going between crying my eyes out and sleeping. Cry, sleep, cry, sleep, all day. By the time I saw the therapist, I was exhausted. She was able to help me see that I was not deficient, there was nothing “wrong” with me, that is ok to love and miss people. Writing that down it feels so common sense but I had never experienced a panic attack, it had been a long time since I have experienced a loss like this. I had to take Friday off since I was going to need that time and the weekend to recover. Honestly, Friday was more of the same. I cried a lot but there was a catharsis to it on Friday. I was less afraid, I was less anxious that day. I was still upset, I am still upset. That’s ok though. It’s ok to not be ok.
One thing I was reminded of was the fact that I have an amazing support system. My wife, my mom, my friends, kids and a great therapist are all apart of a great team I am 100% blessed with. Surround yourself with great people. It sounds easy or common sense but it might be the key to life. Put great people around you and you will have a great life.
It is Monday morning now, I get to go back to work today. It’s going to be busy and it’s going to be hectic. I feel good this morning, I got to take a nice walk before work and finish up this post. I might get upset today or get sad but that’s ok, I have a reason to be sad right now. I think it is ok to know that going into the day. And also…It is ok not to be ok.
